Big Day Countdown : 43 DAYS.

With only an hour left before i leave this office, here i am again. It is definitely one of my lazy Friday where i dont feel like doing anything at all. I have work piling up but i did not even bother to look at it. Yes, i am that lazy today. I will just start on it on Monday.

I have realised thru the years that i have a problem. A problem which i have tried to get rid of for the longest time, ever since i found out about it. But up till this very day, it is still there. It just refuses to go away no matter how hard i try. Believe me, i have tried.. countless times. The problem isnt so bad now, it has become easier to handle but it still wont go away. So what is the problem exactly?

My mood swings. Its not just any regular moodswings, its those moodswings where i will get mad anytime of the day sometimes over nothing. I just get really mad. My heart will start racing, and sometimes my hands will start trembling. Then there are those days where i will cry over everything. Like everything is suddenly really sad and i have to cry or i'll get mad for not being able to cry. There are also those days where i'll just be happy and ramble nonstop. The worse of those three is definitely the anger. It always hard to stay calm when i get angry. Let's go a little deeper into that.

When i say i get angry, i really get angry. I try my best not to smash anything or break someone's face. Although sometimes i fail terribly. Oh, there was once i was upset and mad, i just threw my iphone at Fatboy. It wasnt the kental throw at bantal type of throw, it was the shotput strength type of throwing. The worse part was, i hoped the phone broke into a million pieces. I totally didnt care about anything else. And truth to be told, the phone was destroyed. The screen cracked in so many places, it was hard to even look at it without my hair standing. Not a proud moment at all. Even my pockets shattered when i had to repair the phone. Bad move shasha, bad move. There really is many more instances where i "accidentally" destroyed something in my fits of anger but let's just keep that to some other day.

The person who got it worse than anyone else is Fatboy. He has gone thru so many of my weird mood swings, that sometimes he is already waiting for it to happen. I am definitely thankful that despite my random mood changes, he still sticks by me. Sometimes he does try to calm me down, but sometimes, budak ni pun ader tahap kesabaran. It seems like i have an anger issue within the moodswings. One thing about this, i have to let it out. I have to let out my anger. Be it by ranting somewhere, or screaming at the next available person or just smoke my ass off until i feel better. Yes, ppl have gotten scolded for no reason but just bcos there were there. I usually feel bad about it when i have calmed down which usually takes a few hours, and apologize. And i am not saying it is a good thing, at all.

Why do i call this a problem? During this fit of anger, i hurt people. Not physically, but emotionally. The words that i use, the sentences that i say are quite hurtful. Even all the feelings i kept inside, just starts pouring out. It hurts people's feelings. I do not know how many countless people that i have hurt by the things that i say. I dont do it intentionally obviously.. it just somehow happens. I have tried keeping all the anger in, but doing that makes me feel even worst. It feels like i need to let them know how i feel, in order for them to realise what the problem is. I have never been a person to keep my feelings to myself. If i dont like something, i say it straight to their face. Filter pn kadang2 lupa nak pakai. So mixing my personality and anger together? Not a good combination.

I know that this anger issue/moodswings have got to go. But i have tried so many different ways, but the only thing is has helped it lessen it. Not keeping it under control. I just want it to go away, for good. Like gone and never returning. I know i have to change for the good of my future. I am still trying, as hard as it is. And i want to keep trying. Not just for myself, but for everyone else around me. In sya allah, i will overcome this annoying issue which has bugged me for most of my life.

Till next time,

Shasha the one who wants to change.